No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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