my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's Friday. Sex?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
