just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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