I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
