i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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