What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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