fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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