I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have tasted many bathrooms
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
