I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
