Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
