did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She said her name was "party"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
