i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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