im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
