since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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