I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
