people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
