I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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