i was born a porn star she said
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
