I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
