Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
