we have officially lost it.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
