8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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