This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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