You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
