Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
