Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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