so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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