My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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