Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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