He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
