then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
