history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
