and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
