You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
