first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
