He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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