I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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