all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
