This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
