OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
