I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
