I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
