dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
