I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
