Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
