Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
