Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sponge bath it is.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
