So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
