Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
