Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
