yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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